1) "Where are we?" There's a reason I'm in the back of the plane, serving you. I don't know where we are. I almost never know where we are. It's not my job to know where we are. Be grateful for that. I'm direction dyslexic. I can't find my way out of a paper bag.
2) "When's the next flight to .....?" I 'd have to be a genius to know that. We have literally thousands of flights per day. If I had them all memorized, well, that would just be a massive waste of brain space.
3) "Where is Row 1?" Seriously.
4) "Can I use the bathroom on the ground?" Yes. The year is 2014. What you do in the bathroom doesn't end up on the tarmac. Thankfully.
5) Question from me: "What would you like to drink?" Passenger: "What do you have?" O.K. This is totally annoying. Because, 1) The choices have been announced over the P.A. 2) The choices are listed in the in fight magazine 3) The choices have been the same for years and years. At least give me a category: soft drinks, alcohol, etc. And while we're at it, please take your headphones off for that brief minute or two we're talking to you. Repeating ourselves over and over makes us very cranky.
6) "Why don't you open this exit for me so I can make my connection?" Well, I would be happy to. With certain conditions. If you can pay my salary for the rest of my career, you got it. Because I will very likely be fired. And I'm not cheap.
7) "Can you hold my connection?" No. On time departures are one of the most important rankings in the industry, and the airline will leave you behind in a heartbeat to get that very important statistic. We would love for that not to be the case, but it is.
8) "Smile!" This is not really a question, but more of a command. First of all, YOU smile on command. YOU smile for 14 hours straight. YOU smile when people tell you to smile. Doesn't work.
9) "Can you 1) upgrade me to first class for free, 2) take other people's bags out of the bins so I can put mine in, or 3) Bring me a steak, medium rare? Again, no. There are many, many of you. Some days many more than usual. While we care about each of you, it is in all of our best interests if we treat you all the same. People get jealous. And they write letters to our company when they perceive they are not being treated as well as others. When we finally get home, we don't want to be on the phone with our managers.
10) No, we don't serve steak. No, we don' t have magazines. No, we don't have pillows. Yes, it's been that way for many, many years. We don't make the decisions. We just have to enforce them. Yes, please let the company know how unhappy you are. And while you're at it, let them know how unhappy we are too. We liked it better in the old days, too.